Note: I am giving a voice over to a dad. The ‘I’ in the following lines refers to an imaginary father. Yup, imagined by a mother 😆
My wife had been talking something about the delay in her periods; I wasn’t sure if she meant what she meant. But when one early morning, she woke me up to show two pink lines on a device, I didn’t know how to react. The pregnancy news seemed to have hit my ears. However, I wasn’t reacting; precisely, my body and mind weren’t reacting to it though I tried to smile and exclaimed that I felt happy. While I hugged and kissed her, I still remained in a state of blankness. Well, not that I disbelieved the science behind ‘the urine and pink lines’ stuff, but I couldn’t believe that a baby is on our way; that we made it through and that I am going to become a dad.
Up until the time the scan and blood tests (I actually mean the hospital and doctor) confirmed the news, I had the disbelief at the back of my mind. My wife must have asked me at least once in a day, “Are you not excited?” I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I would put a fake smile on my face. Later, I would ask myself, “Am I not excited?” I wasn’t sure if I indeed felt excited but didn’t know to express my emotion or if I didn’t feel excited at all.
Perhaps, it wasn’t happening in my body or may be I wasn’t prepared for it or I was scared……….yes! It might sound silly that the news of pregnancy would scare a dad, but it is actually, for most fathers. All of a sudden it felt as if a heavy responsibility was placed on me. I am becoming a father wasn’t a statement of announcement. It was rather a tying statement – tying me down to something which was going to change the way I lived!
I had taken care of the finances all the while without fear. However, with the news of pregnancy, I felt overly responsible about providing money for the necessities, comforts and luxuries of the family. If my wife opts to leave her job with pregnancy and child birth, it would mean two people who had earned for two would get cut off to one person earning for three and that one person would be, must be, should be and can only be me! 😯
My wife and I had been good friends. We have had our share of being enemies too. Sometimes, I might not have done something that she had expected of me. Sometimes, she might have done something not to my liking. She had screamed at me. I had screamed back at her. We have fought. We have had disagreements. We have had misunderstandings. But now, she’s pregnant! It meant I was to take care of her no matter what happens between us. Anywhere I miss being that good fellow, I can be accused of as an unkind husband because she’s pregnant. I certainly love her and our baby and would want to keep them happy. Yet, the expectation from the family, society and culture to pamper her and say ‘yes’ to all that she liked and wanted wasn’t always nice. A part of me felt jealous of her biological ability to carry a baby while the rest part was afraid if I would be able to look after well. And, if no dad told you before, the anxiety of accompanying the wife during labour is much scarier than that of actually undergoing it.
Of course, I couldn’t disclose my secret fears to her because she’s pregnant. Neither could I to anyone else for I will be looked down upon for the father I was going to be or even for the man I was. Even if I share with someone, I will be counter-attacked, “You are going to be a dad, become responsible.” Thus, while my wife, the family and the extended families celebrated the good news, at a secret corner of my heart, I was afraid if everything is going to be alright.
This is the first post of the series, The Secret Emotions of Fatherhood. The series shall continue to explore the emotions of dads until 18th of June. Stay tuned! As a father, if there’s something you want to tell me, please comment below.
Hmmm. I do not know about other dads, but I personally felt almost contradicting emotions as to what you have described/imagined. I know not all men think alike, but I would like to detail my experiences.
For starters, during my wife’s first pregnancy, we didn’t do the pink line test, rather we went to a clinic where they did that test. And when the doctor said “Congratulations, you are going to become a dad.”, I felt very happy, I smiled at my wife and she smiled back. Being a shy person in general, I suppressed my emotions because I was in front of a doctor. I was immensely happy, and at that point I had no other feelings/thoughts apart from an overwhelming sense of joy. I couldn’t actually believe that being kid at heart ourselves, we were going to have a kid, soon. That was the most unbelievable part for us.
Also, maybe we planned for a pregnancy together, so it was no longer unexpected as it seemed. We knew it was coming, but didn’t know when.
And I had one less thing to worry about that my wife was a home maker, so the probable loss of a monthly salary (if she was employed) didn’t bother me as much. And I wasn’t too bothered about the expenses, I didn’t even know or planned how much would be increased in my monthly expenses after the kid. I can imagine how financial equations might have affected the thinking, in case both were working.
So it was one less thing to worry about. And one more thing was, I had no clue how much my life would change after kid arrives, so I knew that there was additional responsibility, but I didn’t knew how much?
I used to wonder whenever relatives told me, “Ippove rest eduthuko, kozhantha vanathaprum bend kezhandurum.”, quite frankly I thought they were just kidding. After my kid was born, started playing, walking, talking, etc. then I realized what they meant. So in a sense, I was not really worried about what was about to hit me. In that sense, I wasn’t bothered much. Only thing that I was running through my mind was I had to take additional care of my wife and my kid properly.
This is a good post that tries to go into a father’s mind, it made me nostalgic. Keep writing. I will be waiting for the next one in the series 🙂
Good luck.
Rajaraman
Wonderful to listen to your story. Thanks for proving my imagination wrong 🙂 You sound a secured, loving dad. Please keep visiting!
Good one Nandhini ..
Thank you, Shivi!
Silence can be inferred in any way. They think more than we can imagine. In our case, Chethan showed his happiness and then he went silent for some time. I knew he was thinking about responsibilities he has to handle as a father. But nice that you are trying to interpret that silence in an hilarious way. It is a bold attempt to explain fathers feeling being a mother 🙂 Good one nandhu. I enjoyed reading it.
I understand that silence. I don’t remember how my husband reacted to the news. I kept trying to recollect even while writing this post, but couldn’t get my brain to those days. But this word silence somewhat resonates now. The more I put myself in their shoes, I am scared I’ll start liking fatherhood 😆
Good one Nandhini! looking forward for the other posts
Thanks Kavi!