J for Joust – The First Fight!

In the first few days after marriage when everything still feels so lovey-dovey, you are certain that you both will make a loving couple forever. You don’t quite understand why those friends of you, make fun of how marriage is kind of getting caught into something terrible. You don’t foresee anything terrible in your marriage. Well, well, until that eventful day arrives!

When we got married, I remember my sister telling that it can well take at least five years for a wedded couple to come to understandable terms. Five years? 😯 Her statement made no sense to me until I crossed five years in marriage 😆 If a couple hasn’t picked up a serious fight in the first six months of marriage, there’s something seriously wrong.

I will never hurt you

I can never shout at you

If you’ve ever made these promises before, you are not going to remember it now. Yes, you assumed you wouldn’t but you just don’t care to break them today. There could be n things that can prod the first heated argument to begin. My time, your time; my family, your family; my mom, your mom; my home, your home; my money, your money;  my friends, your friends; my TV show, your TV show; my favourite restaurant, your favourite restaurant; my shampoo, your shampoo – if you thought that was silly, H and I have really argued over the last thing 😉 Sometimes, there need not be a reason. Sometimes, the fact that you miss each other’s time and presence with everyday’s routine can subtly overpower your temperament. Whatever the story may be, that first time you both get into a fight is a new step in your relationship.

Having been living together for a few months now, you both are coping up to understand how your better half would behave through stress, through tiredness, through financial constraints, through disappointments, through decision makings and everything else that you had no clue you would face one day. Irrespective of how long you’ve known each other before marriage, there will always be several situations in the first few months that put you in surprise with respect to learning something about your partner. I had no clue that my dear husband was obsessive about newspapers. He can spend a whole sunday lying down on the sofa with a bunch of newspapers strewn around him. For a wife who expects the husband to talk a few words on a sunday, this newspaper mania of his came like a thunder bolt to me. Hopelessly, his reply to my genuine demand for justice was an article in Hindu open page on relationships. When soon the better out of me followed, he was perplexed why reading a newspaper which he had always been doing for years, is now a problem in life. That is exactly how marriages begin to take the unexpected paths!

The first fight can bring in an element of shock in both of you. This is something you didn’t expect to happen in your relationship one day, atleast not this early. You now are comfortable to bring out any of your faces to your partner – angry, sad, happy, moody – one thing which marks the difference in the married life. Earlier, you were at your best face. Even if it were an emotional or moody day during your courtship, you wouldn’t have decided to yell at each other. But now, it would feel alright to take the other for granted – scream, bang the doors or throw down things on the floor. And here, we come closer to the third line of control.

The initial fights after marriage is a crucial phase which shapes how you both will handle such odds of married life. What you speak, the tone with which you speak, the care with which you speak – all of it makes your experience at the third line of control. One harsh statement you make shall easily bring you one step down in his mind.

I wish I never met you

I made a mistake

These dialogues can be normal in a few years from now. However, for now, for the first fight, these may be too heavy for your heart to accept. You are witnessing an avatar of your wife which you haven’t imagined of her before. You may not like it. You may get hurt deeply. You may feel lost in love. You may feel insecured about marriage. Or, may be it doesn’t seem a big deal at all. It depends on how you choose to cross the third line of control. Crossing it with heavy tones and hatred speech shall carry its ugly face forward while a little wisdom and control of words can pass you both through the line with hands held into each other.

The whole drama can shock you until you decide to go on a quiet mode. A make-up sex or a opened-up talk at the end of the day could be common. One or both might feel guilty, you may decide to never to get into arguments and you both make new promises (to be broken at the second fight!) If you are in the newly wed stage, take a mental note of the third line of control. Your first fight can be around the corner. Beware, this point in your married life has the potential to sculpt your relationship in any possible way. Throw in some kindness and love, you shall love yourself more in the years to come.

As your relationship is reaching an important phase in the next post, keep calm and love each other!

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