N for Nesting – Coming to terms…..at 40!

Where does the relationship with your spouse stand now?

In the AtoZ series on relationships, we are nearing or already at our 40s; perhaps married for over a decade now and most possibly living with one or more children. You might have settled in a career. Some might be owning a house. Some might have bought their dream car. In short, life seems financially certain atleast to the point that you know how much flows in and how many more years of mortgage is left. Most likely, our children are partially independent now – they can brush, potty, bath and dress up all by themselves (Uff! It seems a long way for me to get close there). They know where their friends stay, so you do not have to plan their play dates. They understand what school is all about, so you don’t have to stand behind them for their homework. And fingers crossed, they understand that having food is inevitable to living! All this must give a breather to your relationship, isn’t it? Let’s see.

Where does the relationship with your spouse stand now?

So long you’ve been busy taking a firm seat in the career and caring for your little children. Now that you have outgrown these commitments, your own self comes into your life’s picture. Unless there is a meaningful motivation in your daily life, the rut of commonplace can reflect on your relationship as well. Even if there isn’t a telltale issue in your marriage, boredom with the routine and living with the same person can make you look for a change elsewhere. There are chances that an old acquaintance or a colleague can seem impressive, giving you a new motivation in your otherwise mundane life. Initially, you may plan to just flirt around; however, in no time, your life may turn upside down if a new relationship comes between your marriage. Indeed, 40 can be a vulnerable age for divorces and extramarital affairs.

If you are going through one of these emotions, close your eyes, ask yourself again, ‘Where does the relationship with your spouse stand now?’

They say that with years and ageing, your marriage must increasingly get filled with love and wisdom. I am sure I haven’t reached that stage of being wise to marriage yet. May be I am out of the verbal argument stage. Yet, when there’s a hard feeling against him at the back of my mind, I make only one coffee in the morning. Why should I bother if he drinks coffee or who makes his coffee, hahn?

Despite the fact that these silly emotions can only last for a few hours and that the evening tea is going to be grand with his favourite hot snacks, marriage does take time to get used to overlook the everyday pet peeves. Perhaps, by 40 we learn to come to terms that the long list of changes we so very much want to happen with our spouses is never going to happen. In fact, at 35, I have realized that H is never going to leave his coffee glass back at the kitchen sink. He is never going to care to clean the mess kids fill on the floor. I’ve slowly stopped instructing about the coffee glass thing. I find collecting the glasses from his work table, easier. And I’ve detached my mind in connecting H with mess and cleaning.

Coming to terms, I see as the first step in getting back to the love which existed between you two a few years ago. Your affection for each other has rooted deeper now that you may don’t get to see it on the surface. It’s the shallow grudges that are on the top and you might think that’s where the relationship with your spouse stands. Close your eyes, touch your heart and re-feel. You both have come a long way and it could not have happened without an underlying current of love beneath. With the spear of words and tone, you might tend to disrespect what you mean to each other. Remember that you are only midway through your love story. You can re-kindle your story, after the break now, to take it warm in the coming years. Come to terms, the way your spouse is. Come to terms, the emotions your spouse is. Come to terms, the way your spouse reacts. Come to terms, all that she/he makes.

The most of what you both must have talked to each other in the last few years is your children’s schooling, parenting, family finance, how bad the other is, and perhaps, how tough your own life is with family, kids or work. With the baggage of family responsibilities, you could have skipped admiring and appreciating each other. According to H, I am a silly blogger wasting my time with a silly blog instead of making better recipes for dinner. May be I am 😆 And everytime H announces he’s got a trek the coming week, I feel how insane it is of him not to spend that time with family at home. A better half is only half better? 🙂

When life gives you a second chance, get closer to your partner again. Speak to each other, other than family, kids and responsibilities. Recollect your nice old memories. Open up as if you are dating again. Your ego could choke your throat, but that’s only until you clear your throat. Admire her anger. Appreciate her efforts. Hug him. Snuggle with him. Get back to love! This phase, if carried with grace and maturity, can be as beautiful as falling in love.

Image Credit – Huffington Post

Other posts in the A to Z series:

The Mr. & The Mrs. – The Evolution

A for Attraction – Why we fall in for Who we fall in?

B for Butterflies – The Stage is all Set!

C for Commitment – Stepping Across the First Line of Control

D for Dating – The Fairy Tale Begins…

E for Expose – Here enters the Family

F for Farewell – Goodbye Brahmacharyam!

G for Grihastha – The Mr. & the Mrs.

H for Honeymoon – The Happily Ever After

I for I Openings – Welcome to Reality

J for Joust – The First Fight

K for Kids – No longer the Husband & the Wife

L for Lost – The Lost Art of Making Love

M for Midlife Reflections – Is he/she the right partner for you?

N for Nesting – Coming to terms…..at 40!

O for Old, yet not too Old – The want of a Companionship!

P for Parting – The Woes of an Empty Nest

Q for Qualm – The Disquietude at 50

R for Role Reversal – Say Whatever, it’s the Woman, forever!

S for Second Falling in Love – Sixty is indeed Sexy!

T for (The) Trajectory of Marital Relationships – Understanding why you both are made for each other

U for Until death do us Part!

V for (The) Valley of Shadow of Death

W for Widowhood – One withers away….at the last!

X for (E)xited, but not Extinct – The Existential Woes of the Bereaved Spouse

Y for (The) Yin and the Yang of Marriage

Z for Zest for Camaraderie in Marriage

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